English to Real English to German translations

When English people say…	What they really mean is…	What German people understand
I know where you are coming from	I disagree and think you are an idiot	He understands and accepts my point of view
With due respect…	You are wrong or an idiot. Or both.	He respects me
That’s not so bad	That’s fantastic, superb, wonderful	The quality of work is just about acceptable
I would like to suggest…	Do it at once. Do not disobey or else…	I can think about it some more before I do anything
Oh, by the way, did I mention…	This is the whole point of the meeting	This is just an incidental unimportant issue
I am a little bit disappointed that…	I am seething with anger and most upset	He doesn’t mind very much
Interesting	Not interested	He’s interested
Nice	It’s the equivalent of dog shit	He thinks it’s nice
You are delightfully different	You smell bad	He thinks I am original
It’s an odd way to express it	Let me out of here	He wants to hear more
You have a charming way about you	You are probably a pervert	He finds me charming
I will bear it in mind	I will do nothing at all. Ever	He is thinking about it
We must meet for dinner	Goodbye	I will get a dinner invitation soon
It’s probably my fault	It’s YOUR fault, you bloody imbecile	He admits that it was his fault
I hear what you’re saying	I disagree and don’t wish to discuss further	My viewpoint is understood
I don’t wish to criticise	It’s shit, it’s rubbish and you are an idiot	There is no major criticism
We must do lunch sometime	Don’t call me, I’ll call you - maybe	We will be fixing a lunch date soon
Fine	Shut up. Stop discussing this crap	It is fine
That’s really quite all right	It is NOT all right AT ALL, you idiot	There is no problem at all
Of course you can do that	If you do that, you are dead meat	I should do that, of course
It won’t be easy	Hahaha - it’s impossible, dickhead!	It’s not so easy but quite possible
Come at 8pm	Come sometime between 8:15-8:30pm	Ring the doorbell at 8pm
I wouldn’t say No	I want it! Now!	He is not really that interested
Whatever	I am bored and wish you would go away	He sounds very open-minded
Go right ahead	You are an idiot if you want to do this	He wants me to go ahead
This is out of order	It is completely unacceptable	Something is not working properly

Travel Tips for Germans Visiting London

Tens of thousands of people have asked me (and I am not exaggerating) about the right and wrong things to do when visiting London from abroad. After telling millions of people for the billionth time the same tips, I have decided to compile a simplified guide to the hidden aspects of the English character which would be most useful and insightful for visitors to London. Please note that I will not be held responsible for anything written here, or for any loss, legal costs or medical bills incurred as a result of using this free unbiased guide.

Contrary to popular belief, the English are a warm, welcoming race who enjoys physical contact and boisterous camaraderie. They just don't like to show it. So, for example, when entering a London train from the airport, it is customary for all new visitors to go around shaking hands with everyone in the same carriage while saying, "Yakki Dah". You may not have observed this behaviour done by other people (or even in films) but that is simply because everyone in the train already knows everyone else.

Getting around in London is very easy. For example, one can safely ignore the signs on the buses. They just show where the bus will end up but the drivers can go any route they like. So just get on a bus and tell the driver the address you want and he will take you there. You may have to repeat yourself a few times as many of the drivers are actually not English-speaking. However, the bus drivers are also fountains of information about the best dining places to visit for ethnic food so try not to have too long conversations with them as some of the older passengers may be on their way to collect their pensions and they want to collect it before they die.

Taxis are also easy to catch and even more comfortable. There is only one fare to pay throughout London, which is £1.50. The meter just shows a suggested fare which is optional and can be safely ignored if you don't have the money or the right change. Whatever you do, do not ever tip a London taxi driver. They don't expect it and it will only embarrass them.

In London, as anywhere else, it is considered rude to pass gas (fart) in public places. This is true except for English pubs, as this is where one consumes a lot of gassy beers and stouts. So it is quite normal to express enjoyment of the beers by emitting farts as loudly as possible, as a measure of your appreciation of the drinks and service. Often you will see people in pubs suddenly lean sideways, express a fart and continue a conversation. It is a little known fact but drinking English beers do not cause odorous flatulence so farting is not considered a public menace. However, one would be well advised not to express vigorous farts when drunk, for obvious reasons. You know you are drunk when you cannot feel your upper lip. If you cannot feel both your lips, then it may be time to go home, if you can.

A little-known tip for getting service in English pubs is by waving an open umbrella from your table seat. When the barman catches your eye, he will send someone over immediately to take your order. There is no reason to queue at the bar unless you are ridiculously thirsty. The same tactic also applies in night clubs and discos. Now you understand why that great British singer Rihanna wrote that song about umbrellas.

In London, a traditional dish which one must sample is beef. But not just any beef. One must ask for beef which has been certified with the British Standard of Excellence, a very distinguished award for only the best British beef. So when ordering, just tell the waiter that you wish for "BSE Beef" or "Beef with the BSE". Quite often the waiter will attempt to decline your order because such beef is in very short supply so just insist on talking to the manager about it. Raise your voice so that the other diners can hear you, if you wish. They don't mind and everyone will realise that you are a discerning diner.